Wednesday, July 16, 2014

Highballs and Heartache

Highball of whiskey
glass full of pain
amy echoes
out the refrain
how love,
love is a losing game
a game you never want to play

swig of the poison
forgetting you in name
cigarette a burning
tragedy at hand

heart shattered on the floor
the floor where she lay
unable to pick up the pieces
unable to move
drinking down the anguish

mascara running down
down foxy brown eyes
liquor haze, so numbed
is it depression?

too embarrassed
to tell a soul
the mess she is in
just hold it together within

it's so painful
lost in revelry
just me and amy
off that whiskey
so empty waking up alone

such a distant memory
the past possession of her soul
she is unlike the whiskey guzzling broad
caught up in his rapture
content with unhappily after

who was she that llorona
lying all alone, on that cold kitchen floor?
she was pathetic and dark
so hopeless and cold

every now and again she whispers in the dark
for the aching heart thumps
thumps with regret
begging to emprison
the mujer who was reborn

It's all distant shadow of a memory
of a damsel in distress
so oppressed
delirious from highballs and heartaches

Privilege

(this one is not quite done yet...based off a conversation my mother and I had...)



If you are privileged you can do the things
the things the beach boys sing about
surfing and sunning
living out fun

At least that is what my mother thought
as she told me of how grand a scheme her mind could play
about doing the things white kids did
like the beach boys would sing

I asked her why, why didn’t you see that dream possible
well, I guess it was something we didn’t do
something we couldn’t do
Mexicans don’t surf

Yet, I tell her I know some that do.
See she speaks of privilege
of the privilege of the wealthy
things unattainable because they are not us

I ask her if she felt disadvantaged
she says well I suppose
It just seemed so far fetched all those things
Your grandparents couldn’t afford
to take us on fancy trips or buy us the latest things

but my mother she did her best she sewed us lovely things
cute dresses in the latest patterns
but my father he patched my shoes
there was no such thing as anything too old

you see if you are privileged you are allowed nice things
weekend trips and family vacations
to honolulu or paris or rome
you get a new car at 16 with a shiny red bow

yea I have actually witnessed one of those
a shiny expensive new car
sitting in the private school parking lot
while i waited on my mommy, late once again
to pick me up and take me back to the office
so she could make up her time

see if I were privileged as the underlying assumption tends to go
I would truly have been a private school kind of girl
the one with two parents, picture perfect, perhaps a vacation home
but I wasn’t and I’m not, i dreaded free dress cuz I didn’t want to show
I had nothing new to show off
the same as last time. I was better off in that uniform than in regular clothes.

Sinkhole

Sometimes I feel so empty
that hole you left
is slowly going away
but it’s hard to close
a gaping hole the size of the universe
where you left 10 years
of pain and suffering
loving and fussing
where you resided in me for so long


the hole opens up when I see you on the streets
and our eyes never meet
we walk past each other
the silence is deafening
the pain immense
the tears should be intense
but I squint my eyes
super hard
so they run back
and all I swallow
is the lump in my throat


and somedays I barely rememeber
anything about you
you are farther and stranger than you’ve ever been
but some days like today your absence
is felt
until a violent memory
or stabbing words are recalled
and the puzzle is pieced together
and the hole starts to close up again


my heart is a sinkhole
that drops deeper each and every day
I cover it with the giant manhole I create
with healing mantras and activities
prayers and readings

therapy and indulgences.

Just a thought

And though you broke me down
Ground me to the ground
You no longer get the best of me
Free as can be
I live freely
Reborn
Clean and restored
And you loved me as best as you could
And I loved you naively and pure
I wanted what I wanted
I needed, I pined
I yearned and I burned
Didn’t realize I  never let  you honestly earn
The love, the mind , the  body
I gave freely all to you
For taking
For plumaging, for the ruin
and I'd do it all again
in a heart beat
in a flash.
Because otherwise, I'd never be able to feel.
Feel over, overjoyed and elated.
Knowing I fell down but now I've...
I've actually made it.
I was broken. tattered and torn.
I was so love scorned.
I never knew the capacity for which my heart could hold,
such immense and sheer love
though masochistic and stupid, love.
And I revel in the pain and the healing.
I think, no I know I would do it all again.
I would fall and get back up,
for in defeat, in weakness is where strength is built.
It is surrendered to the fire like iron casted,
for a shield and for a sword.
My armor is so beautiful and strong,
for the immense heat I have been subjected to has fashioned some mujer so brand new

Justified

Hey girl, he really dissed you girl
the guy who did this, the guy who hurt you
he really ruined you
you’re really wrecked girl
imma just kiss you girl, tongue kiss you girl
oh by the way who ever he was girl
he did a number on you girl
why don’t you fix yourself girl
go on and fix yourself
hey we should hook up
i’ll kiss you again
till you give it up girl

I’ll feign my feelings girl
so you can feel me girl
see what I did there
got you feeling feelings girl
but i’m trying to get into
get in them pants girl

In retrospect that’s what happened
what was said
sent her heart with him
on that flight
on that night
heart broken not once but twice
more jacked up than she thought
not only did he break her before
but he broke her even more
analyzing the reason why
she didn’t wana let him dip
dip into her american pie

all that chivalry went down the drain
when the truth came out
how he just wanted to dig it out
the heat, the moment
the passion
everything lost in a fleeting moment
the wrong words, wrong images
the kisses that dripped with lust
broken trust

he turned out to be just
just...

just another guy
who lied
straight to a face
with tears falling from eyes
that wanted to believe
that this was not what it was
trying to look past
a past that was wreckless
and undefined

but he was just another guy
another guy who felt
he was justified
he was owed
he was owed and justified
her trophy, her precious prize

But every now and then
the moment flashes by
the lust boils up
wondering what it would’ve been

is it regret or victory
is she justified
is she better
for not letting another guy
take what others had taken

and stripped away

The Challenge




We catch eyes
Pretend as strangers
That we know nothing of one another
Though we loved like it was yesterday.
And I turn and I run and run and run
On and on on and on and on
Ours is a past better left behind
Closed eyes
Tear drops fall
No one knows I know you well
You know me more
Than I ever want  you to know


And In my car
I drive and drive
Suck back the tears
Swallow the kisses, swallow the night
Swallow the passion
Swallow disdain
Choke to swallow the lump that shouldn’t be caught
Caught in my throat
The size of a softball
No one knows what a painstaking thing it is
To sunshine of the spotless mind induce
a lobotomy without actual surgery
done all on your own
where memories they play in your mind all day long
while your words long to escape
but are caught on your nashing teeth
as you desperately try to keep
keep it all iin
the name which is the very sin
bite marked tongue
lavished bites upon lip and tongue
holding your lover’s name upon tip of lips
nights lying suffocated  by the stench
of the rotting death
the death of love
of friendship , of the beginning of the end
each day it is the challenge
the battle waged
between heart and mind
mind and heart
where the film is played
while trying to refrain from recollection
fighting to refrain from uttering words
forcing forgetfulness into play
that is the sunshine of the spotless mind
the erasure
the closure
to rid your mind of what your heart says is real.

Shower Regrets

Maybe it was the way,
The way he lamented.
On how,
How...
My tits, MY  tits!
Well, they were too small.
And how I put on weight,
With little to no effort at all.
Or maybe it was every time
I had a pregnancy scare,
How he’d claim it wasn’t his.
I became worthless.
With the very thought of bearing a kid.
Itty bitty tits
Stupid secretary!
Secret secretary
forbidden lover
Hidden friends.
Willing to take it all in the end.
Stood at the crossroads,
Of the broken…
The broken,
Broken, dark, road
Where I ran
To the car
I speedily drove.
I drove off
Cuz it’s better to be
Better to be
ALONE!
Than a pathetic
REASON!
For you to hang around
Feeling pitty
Because you’re guilty
And the consequences
Of our actions
Make you feel so ashamed.
Now we cross paths.
Looking ahead
No names.
No history.
Though you know my vagina better,
Than my gyno, you know it better,
Better than…
Better than Vasco de Gama.
Without a map you’ve navigated
every inch of me and my mattress.
And now you look through me,
Like an apparition.
I cease to exist.
But I’m free now!
So I don’t have to put up,
With listening to your whining and ranting!
About my small tits
And how that outfit, it just doesn’t fit!
Did you see that chick?
She was so pretty!
So not YOU!
She was hating on you!
Hating because you’re with ME!
Oh, you’re so plain, so ugly!
Come here, come here dear friend
Let me kiss you, let me hold you!
Let me kiss you, but not mean it!
And I will fool you,
Whilst I’m kissing you,
In the darkness,
Where no one can see;
Because you aren’t that lovely, not lovely to me.
It’s all about me! You are for me.
For the taking
For my glory
No, wait, don’t you love me?
Why do you use me?
Abuse me?
Oh ok, it’s all my own will
My legs, they spread easily.
And you’ve raped me.
Without truly raping me.
Because I gave in; I consented.
I let you in.
But now you’ve discarded me, like a used condom,
On the side of the road
Discarded and forgotten
But forever marked
Scarlet letter
Never better.
The shower cannot rid me of you!
Cannot cleanse the regret.
Though I scrub and I scrape and the loofah burns my skin,
I cannot wash you off from within.
So I lie there as the water pounds down,
Down my quivering body

I wonder…
Who in the hell would ever want me now?