Denial

Your lips still burn on mine. When I hear from you, it stings in my heart. It aches in the pit of my stomach; It reminds me of the amazing times we had. But how you cheapened it with your words and intentions. How you left without a second thought. I fell into some feelings But get back up ignore the feeling and move on. It was but a fleeting feeling, A brief affair. Something that helped me find happiness and move on. The flame flickers at times. Feelings locked away, never will allow for admission.

30

As I grow closer and closer to the number 30 I find myself having flashbacks, both good and bad. Last night I spent the evening with friends and family pre-celebrating my birthday. As we commenced in our usual ritual of King Taco after a night on the town we cried with laughter over the memories we have shared. How is it that so much time has gone by. Yesterday it was as if I was fifteen struggling to unlock my locker on my very first day of high school. Now I am going to be 30. I have been filled with much nostalgia and much emotion. I am happy to go forward to be done with the frivolity of certain things and people. I am happy to be in a great place. Yet, I am sad that "my timeline" has not been completed "in time". Yet, I know my life is not on my own time. In retrospect, I have lived an amazing life thus far. Not many people can say they have had an amazing life, but I have. If I died today could I die happily and travel into the next world? Yes, I could. While there would be many things still left unaccomplished I would be at peace and happy. When I was a teen 30 seemed a million miles away. When I turned 20, 30 was the age by which I believed I’d have my life together-by which I’d be an adult. I will be 30 tomorrow at precisely 7:05 am and I am an adult who does and does not have my life together. I believe in the course of the past 5 years I have learned the most valuable lesson about life. Love really is all you need. I once equated love with only romantic love. I had never fully realized how much I was loved until this past year. Life is not always the way we portray it on Facebook or Twitter. You might see someone smiling all the time surrounded by a million people but you never know what is truly going on behind the scenes. The revelation I had was that even in the secrets we keep, even in divulging the worst secrets we hope will stay secrets, there are people who will look at you and love you for all that you are and all that you are not. When you are being so hard on yourself and you think you are worthless, there are people there to love you up and pick you up. That is the amazing thing that God does, he does his work through people he has strategically placed in your life. I have had the best and the worst times in my 20’s. What I am most privileged to attest to is that I have been a witness to love; pure and unconditional love. I have been able to be present and witness pregnancies, births, babies, weddings, romances, break ups, laughter, hugs, girlhood, sisterhood and womanhood, tragedies, misfortunes. I have experienced life. I have seen life come and life go. I have experienced tragedy. I have witnessed and been a witness to burdens people should never have to carry. Though in my younger years I often wondered where are you God? Why are you allowing this to happen God? This is not fair God!! I don’t want to be near you God, you don’t hear me God!! Yet it is I who moved farther and farther away from him. When I found myself down to nothing, in the dark pit of pain and misfortune; he was there. When I cried alone and thought I could never make it through another thing he gave me strength to get back up and keep fighting. When I thought I was unworthy of love he showed me quite the opposite. When I gave up on my life, he didn’t let me die of my own selfish actions. I close my eyes and I allow myself to remember the past 10 years. I savor the kisses, taste the tears, bask in the triumphs and smile over the memories. I rewind to all the moments. I have experienced the pregnancy and birth of my goddaughter, helped my best friend get ready on her wedding day, held the first born of another, felt the kick of the next baby, giggled about the engagements, cheered at the graduations and reveled in the hope of the future. I have mourned for death, mourned for abandonment, mourned for tragedy, mourned for the consequences of my decisions, wallowed in my past. It is because I have finally allowed myself to stop and embrace the pain that I can move onward into light. I realize that my trials were not actually for me. As I went on with my life I met people with similar trials and was able to tell them it will get better, you will survive. My trial was really not for me. When I no longer believed in love or God he showed himself to me, in the midst of death, in the strength and love of my friends and family. The people in my life, are so amazing and strong, they have inspired me to keep living and to strive for greatness. I have never known such love in all of my life. As time has unraveled God has drawn me closer and closer into his arms, so close I don't want to be far from him. I am by no means perfect and I never will be but I want to be better each and every day. Is life over when you hit 30? Actually it is quite the contrary. I believe my life is just beginning. I am excited about each second of my life. I am happy in the solitude that is my present. For the first time in my life I am happy. I am happy with the light that plays in and out of the trees. I am happy with the small wave a child or stranger I do not know. I am happy with the simplicity that others so often take for granted. I have had the same 3 close girlfriends since I was 15 and God couldn't have sent 3 more amazing women my way. Each one of them so special and perhaps I don't often get to say it to their faces. As I turn thirty I see so clearly our journeys together and how far we have come and that is when I realize we are no longer little girls but adults. Really when did that happen? About 11 years ago I remember graduating walking hand in hand with my best friend. It was the last time we would be together like we were but we were going onto separate journeys together. We could have separated forever, life could have pulled us apart but we have remained holding hands through the ups and the downs. I held her hand in high school through our years as a young girl and I hold her hand now as she gets ready to become a mom. I admire her and all that she has done. She has overcome so much. About almost six years ago my other friend told me she was going to be a mom and I walked with her on the most amazing journey ever. I remember the first time I heard my goddaughter's heartbeat and I felt her kick. I don't know if I ever told her but I looked at my friend with awe and wonder. She was caring this little being inside her. We went from dancing in our pj's down my hall to womanhood in a flash. She is the most amazing mom ever. This year she got me through the toughest year. She took on my problems as her own. She taught me that there was hope and that life was worth living no matter what I was facing. The third friend, she has seen me at my best and worst. We both went through a rough time in our twenties. We had so much fun together through college and all the crazy times. We've been through alot. She helped me face myself. She helped me find my way back to God and for that I will be ever grateful. There were times I just wanted her to stop talking to me about God and this and that. That truly makes me sad. But I just couldn't accept that this God who allowed these things to happen really loved me. But He did and He does. Even though I once had a strong bond with God I had lost it over the years. She never stopped praying for me she never stopped telling me what the possibilities could be. The possibilities in life are endless. These three friends are my mirrors. When I cannot see myself clearly they show me who I am. Oh, the possibilities are endless. Each and everyday I am more in awe of God and the endless possibilities of his love. His love is in the embrace of my mother, the arms where He so lovingly placed me 30 years ago. I look to this birthday, the beginning of a new journey, with a happy heart. My heart ready to live for the one who loved me at my most unworthy. You can choose to look at your life as though you have accomplished nothing or look back at it and see how truly blessed you are. Move forward in love and light and give love to everyone you meet. We are called to love and be loved. It's that simple. So here's to 30!! Thank you for being in my life whether you have stayed or not. Much love and God bless!!