30

As I grow closer and closer to the number 30 I find myself having flashbacks, both good and bad. Last night I spent the evening with friends and family pre-celebrating my birthday. As we commenced in our usual ritual of King Taco after a night on the town we cried with laughter over the memories we have shared. How is it that so much time has gone by. Yesterday it was as if I was fifteen struggling to unlock my locker on my very first day of high school. Now I am going to be 30. I have been filled with much nostalgia and much emotion. I am happy to go forward to be done with the frivolity of certain things and people. I am happy to be in a great place. Yet, I am sad that "my timeline" has not been completed "in time". Yet, I know my life is not on my own time. In retrospect, I have lived an amazing life thus far. Not many people can say they have had an amazing life, but I have. If I died today could I die happily and travel into the next world? Yes, I could. While there would be many things still left unaccomplished I would be at peace and happy. When I was a teen 30 seemed a million miles away. When I turned 20, 30 was the age by which I believed I’d have my life together-by which I’d be an adult. I will be 30 tomorrow at precisely 7:05 am and I am an adult who does and does not have my life together. I believe in the course of the past 5 years I have learned the most valuable lesson about life. Love really is all you need. I once equated love with only romantic love. I had never fully realized how much I was loved until this past year. Life is not always the way we portray it on Facebook or Twitter. You might see someone smiling all the time surrounded by a million people but you never know what is truly going on behind the scenes. The revelation I had was that even in the secrets we keep, even in divulging the worst secrets we hope will stay secrets, there are people who will look at you and love you for all that you are and all that you are not. When you are being so hard on yourself and you think you are worthless, there are people there to love you up and pick you up. That is the amazing thing that God does, he does his work through people he has strategically placed in your life. I have had the best and the worst times in my 20’s. What I am most privileged to attest to is that I have been a witness to love; pure and unconditional love. I have been able to be present and witness pregnancies, births, babies, weddings, romances, break ups, laughter, hugs, girlhood, sisterhood and womanhood, tragedies, misfortunes. I have experienced life. I have seen life come and life go. I have experienced tragedy. I have witnessed and been a witness to burdens people should never have to carry. Though in my younger years I often wondered where are you God? Why are you allowing this to happen God? This is not fair God!! I don’t want to be near you God, you don’t hear me God!! Yet it is I who moved farther and farther away from him. When I found myself down to nothing, in the dark pit of pain and misfortune; he was there. When I cried alone and thought I could never make it through another thing he gave me strength to get back up and keep fighting. When I thought I was unworthy of love he showed me quite the opposite. When I gave up on my life, he didn’t let me die of my own selfish actions. I close my eyes and I allow myself to remember the past 10 years. I savor the kisses, taste the tears, bask in the triumphs and smile over the memories. I rewind to all the moments. I have experienced the pregnancy and birth of my goddaughter, helped my best friend get ready on her wedding day, held the first born of another, felt the kick of the next baby, giggled about the engagements, cheered at the graduations and reveled in the hope of the future. I have mourned for death, mourned for abandonment, mourned for tragedy, mourned for the consequences of my decisions, wallowed in my past. It is because I have finally allowed myself to stop and embrace the pain that I can move onward into light. I realize that my trials were not actually for me. As I went on with my life I met people with similar trials and was able to tell them it will get better, you will survive. My trial was really not for me. When I no longer believed in love or God he showed himself to me, in the midst of death, in the strength and love of my friends and family. The people in my life, are so amazing and strong, they have inspired me to keep living and to strive for greatness. I have never known such love in all of my life. As time has unraveled God has drawn me closer and closer into his arms, so close I don't want to be far from him. I am by no means perfect and I never will be but I want to be better each and every day. Is life over when you hit 30? Actually it is quite the contrary. I believe my life is just beginning. I am excited about each second of my life. I am happy in the solitude that is my present. For the first time in my life I am happy. I am happy with the light that plays in and out of the trees. I am happy with the small wave a child or stranger I do not know. I am happy with the simplicity that others so often take for granted. I have had the same 3 close girlfriends since I was 15 and God couldn't have sent 3 more amazing women my way. Each one of them so special and perhaps I don't often get to say it to their faces. As I turn thirty I see so clearly our journeys together and how far we have come and that is when I realize we are no longer little girls but adults. Really when did that happen? About 11 years ago I remember graduating walking hand in hand with my best friend. It was the last time we would be together like we were but we were going onto separate journeys together. We could have separated forever, life could have pulled us apart but we have remained holding hands through the ups and the downs. I held her hand in high school through our years as a young girl and I hold her hand now as she gets ready to become a mom. I admire her and all that she has done. She has overcome so much. About almost six years ago my other friend told me she was going to be a mom and I walked with her on the most amazing journey ever. I remember the first time I heard my goddaughter's heartbeat and I felt her kick. I don't know if I ever told her but I looked at my friend with awe and wonder. She was caring this little being inside her. We went from dancing in our pj's down my hall to womanhood in a flash. She is the most amazing mom ever. This year she got me through the toughest year. She took on my problems as her own. She taught me that there was hope and that life was worth living no matter what I was facing. The third friend, she has seen me at my best and worst. We both went through a rough time in our twenties. We had so much fun together through college and all the crazy times. We've been through alot. She helped me face myself. She helped me find my way back to God and for that I will be ever grateful. There were times I just wanted her to stop talking to me about God and this and that. That truly makes me sad. But I just couldn't accept that this God who allowed these things to happen really loved me. But He did and He does. Even though I once had a strong bond with God I had lost it over the years. She never stopped praying for me she never stopped telling me what the possibilities could be. The possibilities in life are endless. These three friends are my mirrors. When I cannot see myself clearly they show me who I am. Oh, the possibilities are endless. Each and everyday I am more in awe of God and the endless possibilities of his love. His love is in the embrace of my mother, the arms where He so lovingly placed me 30 years ago. I look to this birthday, the beginning of a new journey, with a happy heart. My heart ready to live for the one who loved me at my most unworthy. You can choose to look at your life as though you have accomplished nothing or look back at it and see how truly blessed you are. Move forward in love and light and give love to everyone you meet. We are called to love and be loved. It's that simple. So here's to 30!! Thank you for being in my life whether you have stayed or not. Much love and God bless!!

She: My Ode to Gloria

She….Glorious…Glory…Gloria She is hurt She is burdened Overworked and unappreciated She is love She is comfort She is home She is mother She is womb She is Glorious Glory Gloria She is rock She is provider She alone All the love She is there When no one else is She Glorious Glory Gloria

The Talented Ones

Who are we We’re the talented ones The ones that keep a day job Everyone tells us we’re wasting Wasting our potential But hey They ain’t gonna pay our bills We write in the night We work in the day We train at night Work at dawn Work work work Bills bills bills We’re the talented ones The ones who keep day jobs Everyone tells us we’re wasting our potential We Zumba at night At work in the morning We’re creative at night We work all day We do personal statements We work We’re the talented ones The ones who keep day jobs Everyone tells us we’re wasting our potential Work work work We're not phased we're focused on our journey We're the talented ones

Take Off Your Cool

Take off your cool you're not even cool I'm David You're Goliath You stand there just staring my body trembles inside I suck back the tears of all the bs years Take off your cool You're not so cool You barely exist It's all so vague paths cross intersect yet nothing connects Take off your cool You're not so cool Try not to drool Take off your cool Cowardice cowardice oh cowardly lion you have no courage no roar in your lame self No words to speak Things better left unsaid but it doesn't phase me nothing phases me wait no you nothing phases you Take off your cool you're not so cool I'm not fooled I know the truth Nothing was ever cool I'm David you're Goliath you'll find no intimidation here Take off your cool you aren't you weren't you're not even cool

Curse and A Gift

My therapist said let it out You need to breathe Cuz you can cope Let it out let It breathe Just be you, it comes naturally My biggest coping Mechanism are my words My open letters So I’m gonna air it out Got some things to rap about But I’m trippen Cuz I know they all gonna judge me Everybody got something to say “fam” say I’m a harlot, jezebel, but I’m putting it nicely Cuz I used to dwell up in the club Sippin on bub Highest heels and short skirts Having way too much fun Living like I was still 21 Time of my life I was masking all my pain Searching for a way To make it out of the dark Out of the hurt Wanted everyone to see My life was fun, it was dope But I’d rather have been on dope And here I am somewhat night and day I love the party life like Jay But you don’t see the not so glamorous life The promoters who won’t let you in Cuz oops you ain’t so paper thin Or you ain’t look like your model friend And they gonna judge me because I air it all out My hurts, my pains Admitting way to much To people I thought I could trust Lying, hating people Dwelling in their own misery Want commiserate on my own misery Brutally honest about My past and my present Dreaming of my future Cuz it’s so different And I write and write because it’s all I know All I can do It’s my saving grace Takes me away to a different place It’s my own, my very own space To get people who can relate Who need the healing In the words up on this page To hear someone gets you But the judgment is standing in my way The fear, the ridicule the hypocrisy Raining on my parade of success A gift and a curse My favorite form Of self expression Of release My tranquility My peace My therapy My release A curse and A Gift....

For the Ride

what happens when you vow to be ride or die but your ride and die was just a ride? What happens when they leave you? You stayed in it to win it but they peaced out on everything they vowed to you. more coward than rider It hurts more than you could know. Ride or die ran out on you and you you see them in the street and they don't even speak they don't acknowledge your eyes meet ain't no promise just lies linger in the air you ain't ride or die you were taken on a ride before you promise before you commit just think about it marinate on it cuz people say things in the heat of the moment because they live just for the moment they just want know they own it but when it all hits the fan he ain't your man you ain't his girl you was the ride you know you you really ride and die but this time you've died you're doa dead on arrival left for dead in the road and he's onto the next one on to the next one before your blood even goes cold. and so you left with the baggage you taking the wrap you holding the gun he pulled the trigger he robbed the bank but you're the one in the cuffs and he don't own it no accountablility you're the one punished scarlet emblazoned on ya cuz you were down for whatever down for your love down for the ride but you been riden out on turns out your ride or die was only just for the ride

The Rapids: Navigating therapy and depression

Some of the greatest writers are the ones who bare it all. The ones who lead you into the depths of characters or the ones brave enough to let you into the depths of their own souls. To write is to bare it all, to tell the naked truth. It is to put to paper your deepest feelings and thoughts. I am not very good at giving speeches but I sure can put my pen to paper. My goal as a writer is to make you feel things, to read things, the very things people won’t talk about. The very things I fear will cause ridicule. In order to be true to my love I must bare it all. Sobriety comes in many forms. The most popular form of sobriety involves the abstinence of alcohol or drugs. It is rare to think of sobriety as sobriety of your mind. However, many of us are walking around with inebriated consciousness full of wretched thoughts and memories that intoxicate us beyond repair. There might be desperation for that sobriety, the help to get out of those toxic thoughts and memories. There might be an addiction to this intoxication. In my case I believe I was drunk off the depressive state I’ve been in. I believe I’ve suffered from depression and definite anxiety for a very long time. I believe sobriety of the mind is a thing more difficult than weaning one’s self off alcohol or drugs. How do you stop yourself from believing all the bad things you’ve told yourself or been told? For many years I rolled my eyes at the idea of therapy. Many people spoke to me about its benefits and this and that and the other. I rolled my eyes. I said I don’t need that. I’m not crazy. It was not a place I wanted to venture. I had tried it once. The intern I saw at our student center painted me 50 Shades of Crazy. I suppose I scared her. You can’t just casually mention suicide and cutting to someone and not expect them to wig out. My therapy has consisted of the following: alcohol, rage, music, poetry, the gym, yoga, prayer, crazy conversations with God, and many times my friend’s ears. I’m sure I’ve made those ears bleed. Particularly I’ve made hearts bleed as they watched me not take advice or act like I had everything together. Perhaps they thought I did truly have it all together. I’ll let you in on a secret-NO ONE has anything together!! This New Year I took a leap of faith, a last resort. I stepped into the office and they handed me a clipboard with tons of paperwork. So my journey began. In front of me was a list, it read please check all that apply: Death of friend Death of family member Work related stress End of relationship Financial issues Legal issues Illness Family issues DEPRESSION The list went on and on. I felt compelled to leave the clipboard in the seat and get up and leave. I sat there for a while recalling the past few years. Now fast forward to the past year. I checked off almost the entire list. I sat there as I took it in- that all these things had happened to me, to people I knew, they happened. They existed in my life. And I was still standing. I was still breathing. I took a big breath as I was led down a hallway to another office. I took yet another huge breath. As I sat in his office and he introduced himself I could feel my heart thumping harder and faster. My mouth was as dry as the Sahara. As he reviewed each line item they recalled each event as an assessment I swallowed hard. One by one I admitted and described each thing. Sigh by sigh I felt relieved. Admission is the biggest relief in the world. When you admit who you are and what has happened that is the first small breath that comes of relief. Your body changes, you start to ease. Perhaps it means you are truly breathing for the first time in eons. When you realize you are accepted with all that you have admitted, now that’s when the storm really begins. When you come to acceptance of what has occurred, the choices you’ve made, the things you have caused; that is when the flood begins. You realize you are sailing out in the middle of a vast ocean on a makeshift raft all by yourself in a storm. You are pushing against the torrential current cascading down the waterfall of life. As the water rises, as the storm rages on what do you do? Do you drown? Do you survive? Do you thrive? I believe you do all of the above. I’ve drowned so many times I should be dead. I’ve risen so many times I know that there is someone other than me pulling me out of the dredges-the deep dark pits I’ve been in. And just like that I’ve climbed out of the pit and into a garden where the day is starting to break. Then just as soon as it began my first session was over. Soon it was a new day. The day came for my first day of my group therapy. I looked around much like the first day of my math class in college. My eyeballs darted around. I attempted to make myself cozy. Then we were told we would introduce ourselves. I felt my throat go dry, I wanted to run. As I listened to each and every person, I felt like hugging each one of them. I felt like someone understood me and they felt the same. If you think that therapy is something for “crazy” people think again. Therapy is for the broken, the tattered, worn, very human masses. People tell me I’m strong and I just don’t understand. But you were given this life because you were strong enough to live it. So are you ready? Are you ready to live? Get ready because this is the beginning, the beginning of my story. It is the story of the raft I began to build to handle the rapids of life. Stay Tuned

Lot

Running on and on Through this door And through the next You can’t turn back Pillars of salt you’ll become Running running So out of breath He really hurt her Stole her star Running on and on No more avoiding Keep running Keep running So tired So out of breath The languid limbs Yearning to give up Can she do it outrun the demon Can she flee the inevitable Door number 1 Door number 2 She starts to turn but no cannot cannot turn back must be like Lot not like his wife must keep going not turn into salt The past it grows bigger it grows stronger And she is weary And she is weak She near the top And her bosom heaves heavily and the sweat runs down the brow tears burn the coffee brown eyes She looks to the top Ready to give it all she's got Running and running No turning back....

Wonderwall

“I don’t believe that anybody feels the way I feel about you know…there are many things that I would like to say to you but I don’t know how.”-Oasis There will never be the right words, the perfect ending, peace in a never ending argument. Sometimes things just have to end tragically and ugly. Sometimes you literally have to cut someone out of your life harshly and unwillingly; because they are like cancer sucking out your life force. It doesn’t mean it doesn’t kill you. It doesn’t mean it isn’t hard. But at what point are you willing to stop being a masochist? At what point do you become tired of living an unhappy life? For a long time I believed that I couldn't change my masochistic tendencies. I kept inviting and giving to people who were like leeches feeding off of me. Where did it get me? Slit wrists, slashed heart, broken spirit, dirty soul. BROKEN. They led me down a broken road of glass and more glass. You get to a point where you are numb from walking on the shards of glass-so numb you can't even feel. And before you know it something else has happened that has you at the bottom of another rabbit hole screaming for the white rabbit to get you out. When you decide that you finally need to get out it's a climb, a climb you're not even prepared for. In the past year I have embarked upon a journey to climb out of such said rabbit hole. I have struggled with depression for many years. I didn't really know that's what it was. I thought I was just going through a phase. This year I started a journey into the unknown, the taboo-A WORLD CALLED THERAPY. In the past I would've lied and said I was going to the gym or spa or something more interesting than this but I can't. As a writer I fell in love with those writers who bared their soul, who kept it real, those whose words I could see and feel when I closed my eyes. What I aspire to be is real. I want to make people feel like they finally have someone they can relate to. I want you to read my words and be transported to another time, another place, to feel everything. So here it is. I am bare. This is the beginning.... I began because on was at the end. I had been attempting to give myself closure for years. I covered wound upon emotional wound with "band aids" that didn't fit, didn't stick and didn't cover anything. In retrospect there are so many things left unsaid, so many things I want to tell people but I truly do not know how. So maybe, maybe it will save me. Will it finally be my Wonderwall? I will detail my experience in the next few blogs and poems.

Because I Have A VAGINA: For Juarez

Because I have a Vagina I have to carry pepper spray Because I have a Vagina I have to come home early Because I have a Vagina I might disappear after work; never to be seen again. Because I have a vagina I am the perfect scapegoat Because I have a vagina I cannot walk alone Because I have a vagina I must look at all sides Because I have a Vagina I can be accosted for the way I dress the way I walk the way I stare even for the my breath of the air Because I have a Vagina I wanted to be raped Because I have a vagina everything is my fault Because I have a vagina I carry the weight of the world on this bridge called my back Because I have a vagina I will be pillaged, plundered, robbed by the eyse, by the hands, by the minds, by the words of the government of the people of the men of society at large Because I have a vagina I will fanish I will be buried in conspiracy theories in a bed of lies Because I have a vagina those who dig deeper will be tortured they will die Because I have a vagina I AM SHE SHE IS ME AND SHE IS WE Because I have a vagina it is my business it is my cause Because I have a vagina I am JUAREZ and JUAREZ is me NI UNA MAS!!!!

Ghost of You

It's the ghost of you haunting me Walking around everywhere It won't let me be free Sneaking up in my good life Reminiscent of all the bad things I've ever done It's the ghost of you that whispers you're nothing without me everyone can see it yes even me It's the ghost of you popping up inconveniently in text messages in social media creeping along the fog the fog of my mind that has almost forgotten you and it like another land another time it's the ghost of you rattling my chains angering my inner self disrupting sleep it's the ghost of you the demon of you raining on my parade when will you fade away it lurks on the treadmill when I'm detoxing at the gym it creeps into my thoughts when i'm reflecting within is there a way to exorcise you castrate you annihilate you behead you like the llorona your voice echoes along bodies of water down the deep dark halls lingering in every space and across time haunting and lurking never in flesh it's the ghost of you that won't let me alone not even in my home

Nana is a Hero

Nana is a hero As she takes a big huge breath Nana is a hero She’s beat death again Nana is a hero As she opens her eyes wide Nana is our hero As she smiles that million dollar smile Nana is my hero She has made it through one more trial Nana is a hero As she gets up out of bed Nana is a hero She takes her first brave steps Nana is a hero They’ve saved her life again Nana is a hero She braved the knife one more time Nana is a hero She’s with me once again. Nana is a hero