Highballs and Heartache

Highball of whiskey
glass full of pain
amy echoes
out the refrain
how love,
love is a losing game
a game you never want to play

swig of the poison
forgetting you in name
cigarette a burning
tragedy at hand

heart shattered on the floor
the floor where she lay
unable to pick up the pieces
unable to move
drinking down the anguish

mascara running down
down foxy brown eyes
liquor haze, so numbed
is it depression?

too embarrassed
to tell a soul
the mess she is in
just hold it together within

it's so painful
lost in revelry
just me and amy
off that whiskey
so empty waking up alone

such a distant memory
the past possession of her soul
she is unlike the whiskey guzzling broad
caught up in his rapture
content with unhappily after

who was she that llorona
lying all alone, on that cold kitchen floor?
she was pathetic and dark
so hopeless and cold

every now and again she whispers in the dark
for the aching heart thumps
thumps with regret
begging to emprison
the mujer who was reborn

It's all distant shadow of a memory
of a damsel in distress
so oppressed
delirious from highballs and heartaches

Privilege

(this one is not quite done yet...based off a conversation my mother and I had...)

If you are privileged you can do the things

the things the beach boys sing about

surfing and sunning

living out fun

At least that is what my mother thought

as she told me of how grand a scheme her mind could play

about doing the things white kids did

like the beach boys would sing

I asked her why, why didn’t you see that dream possible

well, I guess it was something we didn’t do

something we couldn’t do

Mexicans don’t surf

Yet, I tell her I know some that do.

See she speaks of privilege

of the privilege of the wealthy

things unattainable because they are not us

I ask her if she felt disadvantaged

she says well I suppose

It just seemed so far fetched all those things

Your grandparents couldn’t afford

to take us on fancy trips or buy us the latest things

but my mother she did her best she sewed us lovely things

cute dresses in the latest patterns

but my father he patched my shoes

there was no such thing as anything too old

you see if you are privileged you are allowed nice things

weekend trips and family vacations

to honolulu or paris or rome

you get a new car at 16 with a shiny red bow

yea I have actually witnessed one of those

a shiny expensive new car

sitting in the private school parking lot

while i waited on my mommy, late once again

to pick me up and take me back to the office

so she could make up her time

see if I were privileged as the underlying assumption tends to go

I would truly have been a private school kind of girl

the one with two parents, picture perfect, perhaps a vacation home

but I wasn’t and I’m not, i dreaded free dress cuz I didn’t want to show

I had nothing new to show off

the same as last time. I was better off in that uniform than in regular clothes.

Sinkhole

Sometimes I feel so empty

that hole you left

is slowly going away

but it’s hard to close

a gaping hole the size of the universe

where you left 10 years

of pain and suffering

loving and fussing

where you resided in me for so long

the hole opens up when I see you on the streets

and our eyes never meet

we walk past each other

the silence is deafening

the pain immense

the tears should be intense

but I squint my eyes

super hard

so they run back

and all I swallow

is the lump in my throat

and somedays I barely rememeber

anything about you

you are farther and stranger than you’ve ever been

but some days like today your absence

is felt

until a violent memory

or stabbing words are recalled

and the puzzle is pieced together

and the hole starts to close up again

my heart is a sinkhole

that drops deeper each and every day

I cover it with the giant manhole I create

with healing mantras and activities

prayers and readings

therapy and indulgences.

Just a thought

And though you broke me down

Ground me to the ground

You no longer get the best of me

Free as can be

I live freely

Reborn

Clean and restored

And you loved me as best as you could

And I loved you naively and pure

I wanted what I wanted

I needed, I pined

I yearned and I burned

Didn’t realize I  never let  you honestly earn

The love, the mind , the  body

I gave freely all to you

For taking

For plumaging, for the ruin
and I'd do it all again
in a heart beat
in a flash.
Because otherwise, I'd never be able to feel.
Feel over, overjoyed and elated.
Knowing I fell down but now I've...
I've actually made it.
I was broken. tattered and torn.
I was so love scorned.
I never knew the capacity for which my heart could hold,
such immense and sheer love
though masochistic and stupid, love.
And I revel in the pain and the healing.
I think, no I know I would do it all again.
I would fall and get back up,
for in defeat, in weakness is where strength is built.
It is surrendered to the fire like iron casted,
for a shield and for a sword.
My armor is so beautiful and strong,
for the immense heat I have been subjected to has fashioned some mujer so brand new

Justified

Hey girl, he really dissed you girl

the guy who did this, the guy who hurt you

he really ruined you

you’re really wrecked girl

imma just kiss you girl, tongue kiss you girl

oh by the way who ever he was girl

he did a number on you girl

why don’t you fix yourself girl

go on and fix yourself

hey we should hook up

i’ll kiss you again

till you give it up girl

I’ll feign my feelings girl

so you can feel me girl

see what I did there

got you feeling feelings girl

but i’m trying to get into

get in them pants girl

In retrospect that’s what happened

what was said

sent her heart with him

on that flight

on that night

heart broken not once but twice

more jacked up than she thought

not only did he break her before

but he broke her even more

analyzing the reason why

she didn’t wana let him dip

dip into her american pie

all that chivalry went down the drain

when the truth came out

how he just wanted to dig it out

the heat, the moment

the passion

everything lost in a fleeting moment

the wrong words, wrong images

the kisses that dripped with lust

broken trust

he turned out to be just

just...

just another guy

who lied

straight to a face

with tears falling from eyes

that wanted to believe

that this was not what it was

trying to look past

a past that was wreckless

and undefined

but he was just another guy

another guy who felt

he was justified

he was owed

he was owed and justified

her trophy, her precious prize

But every now and then

the moment flashes by

the lust boils up

wondering what it would’ve been

is it regret or victory

is she justified

is she better

for not letting another guy

take what others had taken

and stripped away

The Challenge

We catch eyes

Pretend as strangers

That we know nothing of one another

Though we loved like it was yesterday.

And I turn and I run and run and run

On and on on and on and on

Ours is a past better left behind

Closed eyes

Tear drops fall

No one knows I know you well

You know me more

Than I ever want  you to know

And In my car

I drive and drive

Suck back the tears

Swallow the kisses, swallow the night

Swallow the passion

Swallow disdain

Choke to swallow the lump that shouldn’t be caught

Caught in my throat

The size of a softball

No one knows what a painstaking thing it is

To sunshine of the spotless mind induce

a lobotomy without actual surgery

done all on your own

where memories they play in your mind all day long

while your words long to escape

but are caught on your nashing teeth

as you desperately try to keep

keep it all iin

the name which is the very sin

bite marked tongue

lavished bites upon lip and tongue

holding your lover’s name upon tip of lips

nights lying suffocated  by the stench

of the rotting death

the death of love

of friendship , of the beginning of the end

each day it is the challenge

the battle waged

between heart and mind

mind and heart

where the film is played

while trying to refrain from recollection

fighting to refrain from uttering words

forcing forgetfulness into play

that is the sunshine of the spotless mind

the erasure

the closure

to rid your mind of what your heart says is real.

Shower Regrets

Maybe it was the way,

The way he lamented.

On how,

How...

My tits, MY  tits!

Well, they were too small.

And how I put on weight,

With little to no effort at all.

Or maybe it was every time

I had a pregnancy scare,

How he’d claim it wasn’t his.

I became worthless.

With the very thought of bearing a kid.

Itty bitty tits

Stupid secretary!

Secret secretary

forbidden lover

Hidden friends.

Willing to take it all in the end.

Stood at the crossroads,

Of the broken…

The broken,

Broken, dark, road

Where I ran

To the car

I speedily drove.

I drove off

Cuz it’s better to be

Better to be

ALONE!

Than a pathetic

REASON!

For you to hang around

Feeling pitty

Because you’re guilty

And the consequences

Of our actions

Make you feel so ashamed.

Now we cross paths.

Looking ahead

No names.

No history.

Though you know my vagina better,

Than my gyno, you know it better,

Better than…

Better than Vasco de Gama.

Without a map you’ve navigated

every inch of me and my mattress.

And now you look through me,

Like an apparition.

I cease to exist.

But I’m free now!

So I don’t have to put up,

With listening to your whining and ranting!

About my small tits

And how that outfit, it just doesn’t fit!

Did you see that chick?

She was so pretty!

So not YOU!

She was hating on you!

Hating because you’re with ME!

Oh, you’re so plain, so ugly!

Come here, come here dear friend

Let me kiss you, let me hold you!

Let me kiss you, but not mean it!

And I will fool you,

Whilst I’m kissing you,

In the darkness,

Where no one can see;

Because you aren’t that lovely, not lovely to me.

It’s all about me! You are for me.

For the taking

For my glory

No, wait, don’t you love me?

Why do you use me?

Abuse me?

Oh ok, it’s all my own will

My legs, they spread easily.

And you’ve raped me.

Without truly raping me.

Because I gave in; I consented.

I let you in.

But now you’ve discarded me, like a used condom,

On the side of the road

Discarded and forgotten

But forever marked

Scarlet letter

Never better.

The shower cannot rid me of you!

Cannot cleanse the regret.

Though I scrub and I scrape and the loofah burns my skin,

I cannot wash you off from within.

So I lie there as the water pounds down,

Down my quivering body

I wonder…
Who in the hell would ever want me now?

D E P R E SS I ON

Tears tears and more tears D E P R E SS I ON Aches and pains and fears D E P R E SS I ON Cuts and burns and scrapes D E P R E SS I ON Therapy and Pills D E P R E SS I ON Aggression, masochism and self-deprivation D E P R E SS I ON

Solamente un Dedo (Just a Finger)

Solamente un Dedo (Just a Finger) Oh how it stings! The lack of the bling! Just an empty dedo, lonely and free, without a band. Bewildered by a love of every man. Isn’t it shiny, have you set a date? I giggle and smile. Inside irate! Aching inside all the while. 4 years spent , fussing and loving, Nothing to show but an empty dedo. Lonely and dark, my ringless dedo! No anillo to blind my amiga’s eyes! Books and research lay at my thighs. I stay up late studying, rather than lovemaking into the wee hours of the nights. Waking again and almost too soon, another wedding announcement, Bridal flowers soon to bloom! “Tienes novio? Pues ya estas bien.” You have more time. More time to spend, on studies and work. Successful, intellectual-an old maid at my young age, old friends being given away each day. Throughout lectures and conferences, My dedo never goes astray. It remains there, no luxurious jewel, for anyone to behold. “Mijita, your prince will come.” Words of little, to no comfort as bouquets miss my grasp. Only men who want to slap my ass. Because I’m unconventional I’ll be alone. As amazing a Chicana I am, The anillo grows further and further with each and every man. Always a bridesmaid and never a bride. A scholar, a success, my family’s pride and joy. No lover, no beau, no fiancé. And how it stings!! This lack of the bling!

The worst part...

So I’ve talked about my depression vaguely in a few posts. It’s a lot to write about. It’s a lot to reveal. What is it really like? What is the worst part? The worst part (for me) about having depression and anxiety is trying to get my loved ones to understand. They reassure me constantly by telling me that I’m alright and everything is fine, or to look on the bright side, to stay positive, that I’m doing so much better now, they tell me. But am I? Sometimes it’s a few text messages I get or emails that send me over the edge, other times a phone call or even a memory. I am usually a very social person. I like to stay busy. Yet within the past few years of my increased depression and new anxiety, I feel like I have to answer rapidly. If I don’t answer them it gnaws at me all day. I see the red alert on the mailbox on my phone and I want to desperately be rid of that alert. I have to repeat to myself that I can take time, take time, relax, respond in my own time. Yet sometimes I can’t help it and I rush through responding. After I realize perhaps I took it out of context, or I didn’t fully read, I misunderstood. Then I worry I hurt the sender’s feelings or disappointed them. If I say no to them I feel guilty for a long time and try to rationalize why I said no. This whole process brings me back down. After being so positively up for a triumphant matter of seconds. I try not to get upset with my family and friends. How do I tell them exactly what I need from them without hurting their feelings? I start to try but stop. I am afraid of saying no and afraid of hurting their feelings. This causes me to be indecisive or worse explode on someone who didn’t deserve it. Holding in my feelings does no good. It is really hard. So I keep it in until I break which results in sobbing usually by myself. I wonder why I can’t just allow myself to be vulnerable. Why can’t I tell someone hey I’m having a blue day-the color I used to describe my feelings. Why is it so hard to just say I need your help? And if you think it’s hard to express yourself when your depression or anxious, try getting your work done. Try attempting the tasks you really need to do without any motivation whatsoever. And then you beat yourself up even more for not working on what you know would make you happy. I know people cannot read my mind. I know it’s my obligation to let them in and let them no. If I want the support and help I need to allow myself to feel vulnerable. How do I do that? That’s something I’m going to figure out with my therapist this week.

Tata's Shoes

Tata’s Shoes dedicated to my abuelo, Jesus (Chuy) Tata’s shoes Black, slick and heavy Tata’s shoes Home to my fondest memories. Tata’s shoes BOOM BOOM BOOM Down the wood hall Tata’s shoes My timekeepers, my beat makers My where I put my baby feet placers. Tata’s shoes Where I hopped on Ready to dance Peach, frilly dress It was back on Thanksgiving day. Tata’s shoes Spun me around To the sounds Trio Los Panchos y Los Dandys, playing on his precious, stereo all night long Tata’s shoes are Velcro now, black and not as spiffy. They no longer BOOM BOOM BOOM Down hallways or dance me all around. Tata can barely put them on. Tata’s shoes They hold my childhood And memories of so much love. They tell the story of when he was so strong. Tata’s shoes When I tell him of my recollections, He smiles, eyes beaming bright. Te veras mija. No me acuerdo. Aye mija how the time has passed me by. Tata’s shoes He might not remember But surely will I. Tata’s shoes Shall remain, forever on my mind.

Denial

Your lips still burn on mine. When I hear from you, it stings in my heart. It aches in the pit of my stomach; It reminds me of the amazing times we had. But how you cheapened it with your words and intentions. How you left without a second thought. I fell into some feelings But get back up ignore the feeling and move on. It was but a fleeting feeling, A brief affair. Something that helped me find happiness and move on. The flame flickers at times. Feelings locked away, never will allow for admission.