The worst part...

So I’ve talked about my depression vaguely in a few posts. It’s a lot to write about. It’s a lot to reveal. What is it really like? What is the worst part? The worst part (for me) about having depression and anxiety is trying to get my loved ones to understand. They reassure me constantly by telling me that I’m alright and everything is fine, or to look on the bright side, to stay positive, that I’m doing so much better now, they tell me. But am I? Sometimes it’s a few text messages I get or emails that send me over the edge, other times a phone call or even a memory. I am usually a very social person. I like to stay busy. Yet within the past few years of my increased depression and new anxiety, I feel like I have to answer rapidly. If I don’t answer them it gnaws at me all day. I see the red alert on the mailbox on my phone and I want to desperately be rid of that alert. I have to repeat to myself that I can take time, take time, relax, respond in my own time. Yet sometimes I can’t help it and I rush through responding. After I realize perhaps I took it out of context, or I didn’t fully read, I misunderstood. Then I worry I hurt the sender’s feelings or disappointed them. If I say no to them I feel guilty for a long time and try to rationalize why I said no. This whole process brings me back down. After being so positively up for a triumphant matter of seconds. I try not to get upset with my family and friends. How do I tell them exactly what I need from them without hurting their feelings? I start to try but stop. I am afraid of saying no and afraid of hurting their feelings. This causes me to be indecisive or worse explode on someone who didn’t deserve it. Holding in my feelings does no good. It is really hard. So I keep it in until I break which results in sobbing usually by myself. I wonder why I can’t just allow myself to be vulnerable. Why can’t I tell someone hey I’m having a blue day-the color I used to describe my feelings. Why is it so hard to just say I need your help? And if you think it’s hard to express yourself when your depression or anxious, try getting your work done. Try attempting the tasks you really need to do without any motivation whatsoever. And then you beat yourself up even more for not working on what you know would make you happy. I know people cannot read my mind. I know it’s my obligation to let them in and let them no. If I want the support and help I need to allow myself to feel vulnerable. How do I do that? That’s something I’m going to figure out with my therapist this week.