Fat Girl Slim (part 2)

Now in my first part of fat girl slim I revealed some of my self esteem and body image issues. This, Fat Girl Slim part 2 is my deep seeded issues unraveled.... At 18 years old I started taking better care of myself. I started college and started taking classes like cardio kickboxing. I started losing weight and being healthier. I went from my old size 18 to a size 16 and was in that size for a good bit. I had discovered that I had a hips and nice curvy butt. I had never thought my butt was really a big deal but all my friends made a big deal about it. I started to embrace that and embrace my curves. My freshman year in college flew by and soon it was summer. I met this guy, someone I had seen a few times before. I had a really huge crush on him. I thought he was so hot. However, I could never fathom a guy like him wanting a chunky girl like me. He was kind of tall with a tanned athletic body. I remember my friend telling me, "oh you're going to like him. He's buff and he's bald and he's got piercings. I remember the first time I met him. I could barely get the words out to say hello. I was caught between my girlhood on the verge of real womanhood. I couldn't take my eyes off him. I started dating this guy. I was amazed he even gave me a second look. I had had a crush on him since I was like 17. He was some guy that I didn’t think would ever be interested in me. He was pretty athletic. He was handsome and had a killer body. I never thought a guy like that would look at me. So when he seemed interested in me I ran with it. I realize now I put this guy on a pedestal right off the bat. That was really wrong of me but I digress. In the beginning he made me feel so attractive. I felt comfortable with him. He was always kissing me and always all over me. It was clear he wanted me. I thought that was enough affirmation for me to feel like I was actually desirable at my weight and size. Eventually though after we had been dating for a long while, it came out that he was “concerned about my health”. He said,"why don't we go to the gym together. I can help you reach your goal." I didn't think much of it at the time. He wanted to be a trainer and I completely trusted in him. I joined the gym and he became my unofficial "trainer". At first it was great. I had a partner to work out with and a great boyfriend. I was thinking it was going to be great. It was really great for awhile. I had a pretty good schedule as a student and not working full time. I started going to the gym two-three times a week. I was eating better and growing stronger. I started seeing results. In about two years I went from size 16 to size 11 almost 10 and I was in the best shape of my life. So what was the problem?? I couldn't eat in front of my boyfriend now turned trainer. If he saw me put butter on vegetables he'd tear into me. If I said I had a scoop of ice cream he'd make me feel bad. He had a secret stash of magazines and pictures of girls on his computer. They all had huge butts and tiny everything else. He used to tell me I could look like that and I could model. I became more obsessed with car models and video vixens and XXL magazine than I had ever been obsessed. It started hitting me, he didn't want me the way I was, he never did. However, I also told myself he cared about my health. I soon became obsessed with working out. I worked out more than I studied. I obsessed about what I ate and what I didn't eat. I did everything I could to be that fantasy girl. He would tell me how hot I looked and how beautiful I was. I just wanted to stay that way. I tried so hard. I didn't realize I was trying for him not for me. I became about what he wanted not what I really wanted. I truly always wanted to have a curvy, sexy body. I always did. What I didn't realize was that the "fat girl" from kindergarten still lived deep inside me. I looked in the mirror and I saw myself huge. I didn't see a size 10 girl I saw a size 20 girl. I didn't see beautiful, I saw hideous. I didn't see myself at my goal. I couldn't even really be happy that I had accomplished my goal. All I kept thinking was I was fat. I had to lose more. I had to look better than this girl and that girl. I truly did learn to love working out in that time. He taught me all the things I needed to become the fit woman I wanted to be. He also turned me into a hot mess. This is how I initially became Fat Girl Slim. It first started with me wanting to lose weight and I did it. Eventually it became this thing, this monster. I became lost in this guy. I knew more about him than I knew about myself. I knew what he wanted but couldn't tell anyone else what it was that I wanted. I saw myself as a 400 pound girl who didn't fit with this athletic guy. I felt like we didn't look right together, like everyone was staring. I never stopped to realize how great I looked or how much more beautiful I was because I was too busy not eating and running until I was practically passing out on cardio machines. I woke up and worked out. I worked out before bed. I woke myself up in the middle of the night to work out. And as I sit here and write this I swallow hard and wipe the tears at the memory of the lost girl I had become. Eventually the relationship ended; he ended it. Even though he said it was because we didn't have a healthy relationship anymore among other things, I convinced myself that it was because I was not thin enough; I was not beautiful. Why?? Well because even though he had become the love of my life and had his good moments he was also the same guy who told me which friends of mine he'd hook up with. He told me which friends of mine were hot. He always let me know he was looking at some other girl that had something I didn't. So when he ended it that became the reason for me. At first I worked continuously hard on myself. I tried to keep up the hard work I had put in. I tried partly because it helped preoccupy my mind. The other reason was because I believed I could look twenty times better and make him feel bad. However, it didn't work. I hated being at the gym because it reminded me of him and well I couldn't stand running into him. It wasn't so hard at first keeping up with my workouts and eating healthy. I was still in college. It was my last year and I had a strong group of friends I could work out with and keep my mind occupied. I tried. I didn't try hard enough. I soon began consuming myself with partying. When I wasn't out I was in my room, lying around, depressed. It really isn't a big deal but when you're depressed the last thing you want to do is be in a gym. More importantly the last thing you should do is hit the clubs. Eventually the constant drinking and the late night eating caught up to me. It took a while but it caught up to me. The day I couldn't button my skinny shorts I freaked out. However, it didn't stop me. I just bought bigger clothes. And I got sick a few times and that helped me lose weight. I was on a cheerio and soup diet purely because I was sick but kept doing it after because it got me skinny fast. I couldn't outrun my old self. I couldn't out run the old habits. I stopped caring about me. I stopped caring about the work I put into my body. I figured if he didn't care then I didn't care either. I started slacking off at the gym. I stopped eating healthy. I just stopped. I stopped caring. I didn't care at all. In a two years time I found myself in a friend's wedding. That wedding became my kick in the ass to lose weight. I couldn't fit in the dress. I couldn't believe the size. I was so upset. I couldn't believe I had let my weight start creeping back up. In that time I also bumped into the old flame a few times. One time he saw me he widened his eyes and commented that I had gotten really big, which made me want to throw up especially when he then proceeded to hit on me after that insult. Once more he told me that when I was with him I was the hottest I'd ever been. Another time I pretended to be happy and on my workout routine. I proudly said I was going to be in a wedding. He sharply questioned, “So what you only lose weight and get fit when there’s a wedding?” It stung. It struck a note. Did I really lose weight just for weddings? I was starting to think that it was true. After the wedding I lost track of my goals and stopped the working out. I went back to the eating and drinking whatever. I went to the gym like once a month if that. I wore gym clothes more to chill in than I actually wore them because I needed to. Did I really only lose weight when I needed to? I felt so disgusting. I felt like a huge fat failure....