Learning to live again.

I took my goddaughter and my best friend out to dinner this past weekend. My goddaughter only three years old, threw her arms around me in a warm embrace followed by a huge kiss on the cheek as she said, "thank you nina, you the best nina ever, I love you." Now I didn't do much. However, in her little eyes I made her day. I didn't have to say anything but she appreciated my genorosity. She, a small child understands reciprocity, gratitude, true love and the meaning of life.
To the average joe what my goddaughter did is just a child being sweet no big feat. However, to me it is the way life should be. You see in her actions and her small words I have learned the meaning of life; through my goddaughter I have learned to live again. There was a good portion of my life I spend in hatred, in depression, in broken pieces. I could not see past what I was feeling. I could not get my head out of my ass and see the beautiful life that was right in front of my face.
I had become a bitter, ugly person. All the pain and suffering in my life, my story I let eat at me. I didn't want to confront my past at all. I did not want nor know how to take accountability for the pain I was enduring. I smiled on the outside but on the inside I was constantly in misery. I seriously drank to drown the pain but like the famous Frida saying goes, "the damned pain learned how to swim." I lived life half heartedly.
My goddaughter was born when I was 24 and I must say that as she grows so do I continue to grow with her. I thought that I was grown and mature. I thought that I had life all figured out. But it has taken me a good while to realize I was not living.
My goddaughter is amazing. She is the most fearless person I know. She is so trusting and so confident. The beauty of the innocence of a child. She may not understand what I'm going through but whenever I'm sad she comes to me and holds my hand. I could be faking a smile but never with her. She will always ask what's wrong. Sometimes she doesn't say anything she just gives me a hug.
She doesn't judge, she doesn't talk behind my back, she doesn't make decisions for me. She just knows that I am her nina and that I love her and she can count on me.
That is a huge deal to me. While she is not my child I am accountable to her. We have a special bond. I saw and I see in her the meaning of life. Life is there for you to live it. There are going to be trials and tribulations but you will make it. What you put out you get back. If you just smile and live life fearlessly you will enjoy it 1000 times more.
It's amazing what kids can teach you. Spend time with a child not only do they benefit but so will you. Don't be afraid of life, don't let life live you. I wish that I could be as good of a person as my goddaughter. She loves everyone, she's forgiving, she shares, she's open to everyone and every experience. I may not be as innocent as a child but I can live with their philosophy, just live. Learn from a child and you will truly live again.