The Female Alarm

What is it with us women always trying to jump ahead ten paces in life? Maybe it’s because I’ve seen one two many girlfriends of mine devastated because the vision of love they conjured up is crumbling to pieces right before their eyes. What do you tell them? Do you tell them to wait it out do you tell them to run in the other direction? Work at it? I know very well I wouldn’t listen to one thing anyone told me because I wanted what I wanted. I’ve been there. When I could say something super cruel and truthful I don’t, I bite my tongue. Instead I hold their hand and I just listen because I know I’ve loved, I’ve freaked out when singledom reared its ugly head. I had the 25 crisis. I’ve been lost, roaming around Egypt no better than the Israelites did for 40 years. And truly all I ever wanted was someone to listen. I didn’t need or want the motherly advice I just wanted someone to fucking listen.

But now I don’t get it. I just don’t get it. What is it about us women?? It seems we turn twenty-five and the alarm is going off in our heart, in our mind, in our uterus!! Marriage!! Babies.!!! Oh my God I’m old!! Am I too old to get married?? Will I ever get married? What if I can’t have kids?? Can I just hit the snooze on all these complications?? Ok, so perhaps I’m generalizing. However, I know from my own experiences that this talk is very real for so many of us mujeres.

I’ll admit there was a point where I dreaded opening my mail for the sake of seeing a billion more wedding invites and baby showers. It wasn’t because I was not happy for them or because I dislike babies; it was and is for the matter that I am going in a different direction than society and culture steer me to. I am one of the few girls in my circles who is not spoken for-no man, no babies. I am DIFFERENT!!!!

 For a good portion of my life I too, thought that all I wanted was a huge ring, a doting husband, 4 kids (2 girls and 2 boys), the perfect little family and home. What I didn’t know about the ring, the husband, the house, and kids was the responsibility. In my mind everything was easy because there was LOVE. But my idea of love was a dream, it was a far-fetched fantasy. It is because of my married friends and my friends with children that I know what it takes. It is because I have been privileged to share in marriages and in babies and in life stories that I am able to see that everything takes major responsibility. When you go through the gorgeous wedding and watch ur friend glide down the aisle in bliss you don’t realize what is behind the show, until you are crying with them over whether the choice was right or wrong. Is it too late now? Is he who he was? What about me?  See no one tells you what happens after the show is over.

And if I thought I was ready for marriage I really thought I was ready to be a mom. Until my best friend gave birth to her daughter, I didn’t know what having kids really meant. When I held my goddaughter for the first time I realized that she was so amazing and now she was all of our responsibility. But, I don’t really think I realized what it meant to be a mother until one day I was watching her and she got sick. She was talking but few words. She could not tell me anything except “Nina it hurts.” What exactly hurt I didn’t know. And I freaked out. I had to pee she was crying I was alone. “Holy shit what do I do??” I ran with my goddaughter in arms to the bathroom and she wrapped her little legs around my waist determined not to let go of me. So what did I do? I peed!! I pulled down my pants and peed with my goddaughter wrapped around my waist. And as I peed she climbed down to her feet and begin clapping, “nina you did it. “ (lol) Yes I did. In her eyes I was a big girl, I was potty trained. But in my head I was tripping out because  this is what motherhood is all about. No more privacy, no more me time, it’s all about your child. Was I really ready to give that up? Was I ready to sacrifice my selfishness for a little life?? I wasn’t quite sure I could do what my comadre does every day.

I realized I have a loooong way to go before I’m ready for such things. I am ok with being different. This is exactly how my life is supposed to be. I’m supposed to learn from everything. In this time of being single I realized in the end there was LOVE, love was always right in front of me. Life was right in front of me waiting for me to grasp hold of it. People hate to hear how lovely your life is. Sincerely people absolutely hate seeing status updates on Facebook or Twitter about how freaking awesome the sun makes you super tingly and smiley and the roses are blooming. But that’s exactly how I feel now. I am content with my life. I am not anyone else and I never will be. I am a happy, cheesy person who relishes life.

I absolutely adore being single. Not because I hate relationships and commitment or because I hate men. In fact it is quite the contrary. I very much like being the girlfriend. I love having a partner, a best friend, a sexy man around especially one that loves me. However, seeing the bigger picture now I realize in order to get to that place in my life where I am no longer just a single woman but a bride walking towards her groom, toward the next chapter in her life, I need to know who that woman is going to be. After many years of chasing love and trying to force my life and expectations to fit in this perfect little box, I let go. I am living life, not letting life live me. I am not chasing anyone or anything. The only thing I seriously ponder about now is what’s for dinner, passing the GRE, getting that acceptance letter, my own book on the shelf at a bookstore, of happiness. The sky is the limit. I hardly worry because there just doesn’t seem a point in it.

Being single has had its downs and its ups and its downs but I cannot reiterate how much UP it really is. I date a lot, I am learning what I want in my life, in a mate. I smile so much. I am not tied down to anything at all. The options in my life are endless. When we stop fighting with life, with calendars, deadlines and most importantly ourselves things just magically fall into place just as they were meant to. As I reminisce on the past few years I pose a Gwen Stefani thought,“back, looking back, looking back at me, I’m not how I used to be” and indeed I am not who I used to be. I have grown. Had I never let go and stopped fearing. I would not be living. I would not be able to see that the LOVE I was chasing was the love that was always here, my very own. Love is oozing out every inch of my life. Maybe it’s not the wedding bell type of love but it’s LOVE. And once that clicked I realized it wasn’t too late for me. I realized I could have the life I always dreamed of. I could have anything my heart desires if I’m willing to be open and do the work. So to all of who are worried he will never come around, or it will never happen, those of you afraid that your clock is ticking and it’s too late, it’s not too late. Let go, let God and Disfruta La Vida. Just Love, LOVE YOU-after all you deserve to be loved!